Present, Portland, Psalm

Psalm 121:

I will lift up my eyes to the mountains;

Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the Lord,

Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not allow your foot to slip;

He who keeps you will not slumber,

Behold He who keeps Israel

Will neither slumber nor sleep.

The Lord is your keeper;

The Lord is your shade on your right hand.

The sun will not smite you by day,

Nor the moon by night.

The Lord will protect you from all evil;

He will keep your soul.

The Lord will guard your going out and your coming in

From this time forth and forever.

I live in a valley surrounded by mountains and these mountains have for years been a source of joy, refreshment, as they have inspired awe within me again and again for our Creator who has so brilliantly crafted everything around us. They reflect His majesty and when I glance at the mountains, something deep within me knows that regardless of circumstance, everything will be okay, because I can trust the One who created the mountains and gave me life and sustains me daily.

Psalm 121 has been the psalm that I keep coming back to day by day and moment by moment. And every time I look at the mountains, I am reminded that God does not sleep or slumber and He is guarding my going out and my coming in. Wow. What a reassurance. 

My mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer a couple months ago and so as I moved back to BC and have been walking through this new journey of grief before me, I am so thankful for the reminder that I can cling to the Lord completely and fully. In most moments, it's too overwhelming for me to handle, but through the tears, I am resting in Him.  

Another one of my constant go to's of late has been C.S. Lewis' book, 'A Grief Observed'. He wrote it in response to watching his wife's tragic death. Here's one quote from it that has struck me lately:

The terrible thing is that a perfectly good God is in this matter hardly less formidable than a Cosmic Sadist. The more we believe that God hurts only to heal, the less we can believe that there is any use in begging for tenderness. A cruel man might be bribed—might grow tired of his vile sport—might have a temporary fit of mercy, as alcoholics have fits of sobriety. But suppose that what you are up against is a surgeon whose intentions are wholly good. The kinder and more conscientious he is, the more inexorably he will go on cutting. If he yielded to your entreaties, if he stopped before the operation was complete, all the pain up to that point would have been useless. But is it credible that such extremities of torture should be necessary for us? Well, take your choice. The tortures occur. If they are unnecessary, then there is no God or a bad one. If there is a good God, then these tortures are necessary. For no even moderately good Being could possibly inflict or permit them if they weren’t.

Either way, we’re for it.
-C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

Our God is a good God and this is the thing that gives me hope in all things. And my deepest desire is that I would continue to come to a deeper and fuller understanding of WHO He is amidst all things that don't make sense to me.  

I just got home from three days in Portland, where I attended an orientation for the online masters program I'm taking in spiritual formation. I thought I might be distracted the entire time while there, but I was so thankful that God allowed me to be fully present there, with my emotions but also in engaging the amazing people I met. I'm thankful for this unique mix of individuals that have suddenly entered my life in a different way (online learning community), and look forward to walking this section of the journey with them. 

Returning home though, I'm also very present to the situation and felt a bit overwhelmed with it and with emotion this evening. I went outside and the first thing I saw was the sun setting over the mountains. Thank-you Lord for revealing yourself to us in every moment. 

Before orientation started, I had a chance to go to some dahlia gardens which were amazing. If you've ever seen rows upon rows of tulips, it was like that, but with dahlias. 350 different varieties of them. I almost couldn't leave because it was so beautiful and each flower so unique and different. My mom loves dahlias and being there was a really neat moment from God and a chance to connect with Him and to have the reminder of the beauty of life and to take it all in, the joys and sorrows, knowing there is beauty in all of it as He continues to transform us into something beautiful.