I have a foamy mattress I sleep on at night next to my mom. Often while about to fall asleep, I stare at the giant (and quite heavy) cherubs that are suspended from the ceiling (and have been there for 16 years) and wonder if perhaps they might at some point come crashing down on my head while I sleep (thankfully it hasn't happened yet). And that really has nothing to do with what I want to write about, but I think it's funny.
Being home has been such a mix of different emotions. Through the tiredness and grief, there are moments of inexplicable joy and times when I feel completely carried by the strength and sustenance of God.
I was reflecting today about love and service. It is hard to see someone suffer. Yet I want to be there and do everything I can for my mom because I love her tremendously. She is the woman bore me and raised me and has loved me through everything. If I served out of a sense of guilt or obligation, I probably would have been long gone by now. Yet it is love that propels me, stronger than anything. And there is a deep joy that accompanies the service, because I am caring for one whom I love.
This further made me reflect on my relationship with God. Sometimes I read different books and suddenly feel an urgency to change the way I live, or be more devoted to God, etc. Yet if I love God, I will obey Him wholeheartedly (John 14:23). My service and surrender will come willingly out of my love for Him.
Yet ironically, I cannot even love Him with my own love-for this I am completely dependent on Him. And in order to fully trust and depend, I need to know Him and spend time with Him. So.. all this to say, when I reflect on my life and wonder why I'm living a certain way, I need to spend time with God, fellowshipping with Him, falling deeper in love with Him. And as I "run" towards Him, the other stuff will follow as I seek to love Him, the service will follow.
Thankful that my life can be motivated by love and not shame or guilt.
1 comment:
Your words resonate so strongly in me. I remember during the last day at the hospital with Dad, the day we knew he was dying, Jared had such a hard time with me being at the hospital for such a long period of time, not sleeping, not eating (properly anyway), just waiting. I don't know how many times I said, "It's not that I WANT to be HERE, but the only other option is leaving, and really, that's not an option at all."
Thinking of you constantly. It's something you would never believe that anyone could do, to watch someone you love so completely suffer, hour after hour, knowing that there won't be any reprieve, that it's only going to get worse. The only thing that makes it possible is the propulsion of love.
God is there with you. Every moment.
"Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm.
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low.
Oh no, you never let go,
Lord, You never let go of me."
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