Sometimes this happens in a literal sense of me going away and at other times there is great temptation to disengage and find various means to mindlessly pass the time.
I have a tendency to withdraw. When something appears as a threat or there is uncertainty or confusion, I back off and put up walls.
There are so many wonderful things about life and yet sometimes the pain and potential hurt of life seems too much and in turn I give it all up and fail to engage.
On the days when I feel weary and feeling done, I am reminded that there is more.
One of my favourite books has always been 'The Giver' by Lois Lowry. It is a book (and now a movie) about a society that no longer wants to experience pain and suffering and so they create an environment that is free from choice (because if you have choice, you can choose badly and hurt others), an environment where everyone is equal and nobody truly has feelings.
It is a world void of love.
A world void of colour.
A world void of family.
A world void of music.
A world void of dancing.
A world void of death.
A world void of life.
In this black and white world, individuals are assigned jobs, a partner and children. They must follow the rules and use precision of language. It is all very uniform and static.
Jonas is a young man who is selected to become the Receiver of Memory. There is an elder in town (the Giver) who holds all the memories and it is his job to pass the memories onto Jonas. Jonas has only known a world of black and white, with no emotions, no drastic ups or downs.
As Jonas receives the memories, he starts to see the world in colour. He begins to feel and understand true feelings. He is dazzled by the memory of a beautiful sunset and the experience of snow. He is burdened by memories of war and death. He tries to describe this life to his peers (in the movie) and the conclusion is that there is more.
There is more than the black and white life they have been living.
There is more than the surface, pleasant feelings they have toward one another.
There is a deeper sense of belonging to be had within a family and a home.
There is incredible beauty to marvel at in awe and wonder.
There is deep joy to be felt to the core of one's being.
There are feelings that move you in the way that word cannot articulate.
There is pain deeper than words can describe.
And in it all, there is life.
In speaking of the control that their society has gained, the book says, "We gained control of many things. But we had to let go of others." Cutting out pain was possible, and yet it came at great cost.
Jonas recognized the pain, joy and privilege of being alive. At one point, he proclaims, "if you can't feel, what's the point?"
So, when I am tempted to run from pain, hurt, disappointment, miscommunication, confusion, angst... I have to remember that there is more. A life disengaged is not the life that God intended for me.
I still live in a world of colour where there are lots of feelings and other things to sort through, but it is so easy to numb all of it and float through.
I'm reminded of the Israelites right before they enter the Promised Land. What lies before them are giants, fortified cities and many battles to fight in order to live in the land that has been promised to them. There are moments when they want to give up, turn around and go back to Egypt. Back to slavery. Back to oppression. And yet God longs for them to live fully into what He has placed before them. He gives them commandments so that it may go well for them in the land. But he gives them a choice.
The choice here seems obvious. Choose life. Choose God. And yet...
There are some days when I want to deny any emotions I am feeling and pretend things are all good.
There are some days when I want to play games on my phone all day and ignore what I'm feeling.
There are some days when I want to avoid interactions with others to avoid getting hurt.
There are some days I want to quote theological platitudes to myself rather than wrestling with the questions and uncertainty.
There are some days when I want to numb and sooth myself with food rather than look at the deeper things happening within.
There are some days I want to ignore that my mom is dying and cover up the pain.
There are some days I want to move to a cottage in the woods and live by myself.
And yet, if (and perhaps when) I make these choices, the cost is great. At times my actions and words and avoidance reduces my world to black and white and I miss out. In death, in life, there is more. I need to embrace it, engage it and walk through it and continue marveling at the colours and the complexities of life.
This is the reality I need to live into today. Every moment. Every day.
There is more.
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