Privileged

Every once in a while I like to get a little cheesy and mix it with something I find profound. So in the last few weeks as I read 'The Fault in our Stars' and then tonight as I sat in the movie theatre watching the film, it resonated deeply with me. Yes it's a love story, but even more than that, it's a beautiful story about loss and the reality of how much loss sucks, but the fact that love is worth it.

From the first part of the book, where it boldly declared that pain demanded to be felt, this book challenged me. Sometimes I like to cling to pain. Or sweep it under a rug. Or numb it. Yet there is only one appropriate response: to feel it. At the end of the book/movie, one of the characters says, “You don't get to choose if you get hurt in this world...but you do have some say in who hurts you."

The truth of this sometimes makes me want to put up walls so that no one will hurt me, and yet opening the door to love subsequently opens the door to pain. But we can be thankful with our choices. The main character, Hazel calls herself a grenade and recognizes that when she "blows up", there will be casualties and fears that those she loves will become the casualties. And yet those who love her count it a privilege. 

I too am privileged.

I don't think we become casualties when those we love die. It sucks and it's painful but loss reflects relationship and the great meaning and impact that those people had in our lives, even if just for a small amount of time.

As I reflect on past loss, they were sudden and unexpected and parts of me felt like I was dying in the aftermath. But I wouldn't trade loving them to have a pain free life. The beauty of those relationships and the memories have been worth every tear, sob, and gut ache.

Walking with my mom on this journey that has no set end is not easy on many levels. But in the moments when I am tempted to retreat into myself and "hide" from the future pain that a grenade might cause, I stop and take in every bit of every moment: the laughter, our conversations, the tears, our petty arguments... each one is precious and worth it.

Photo taken by beatrizphotography.com

And watching her love for her family, especially her grand-babies is such a gift. With the whirlwind of emotions, I don't want to hide from it but I want to face it head on and take in everything. I want to choose love, even in the face of loss.

I am thankful for the daily choice I make in loving my mom. It is my privilege to care for and love her.