Suffering, Sleeping, School

 As everyone was posing on their front porches with backpacks ready to go to their first day of school, I lay on my mattress, clinging to the little amount of sleep remaining from the night before and thought I would take a picture of myself on my first day back at school... sleeping. (okay, obviously I wasn't actually sleeping if I was taking a photo of myself.. shh!)

But seriously, although the picture above doesn't show it, I am so stoked to be going back to school. I have been wanting to get my masters for a while now and have been enrolled in different programs that never felt right... until this one. And it's online. I'll be getting my Master of Divinity with a certificate in spiritual formation (side note, every time I try to type spiritual, I write spiritural.. i should probably create a new word). I have no idea where this will lead, but I'm so excited to be stepping out in total faith, knowing that as I continue walking forward, the Lord will continue transforming me and guiding me... a bit nervous as to where it will lead, but so excited at the same time!  And I get to be a student again! I think the thing I love most about studying in an official school setting is that first, it forces me to study, read, think, write, etc... and secondly, I learn so much about who God is and meet Him in so many wonderful ways.  I cannot wait.

And the photo above is just because it's one that's been lying around lately of my brothers and I when we were little and I love it. And I just don't think I would look as cute now wearing the outfit I'm rocking in this picture.

Lately I've been grappling and wrestling a lot (surprise!)... and those are two words you might get tired of hearing on this blog, but it's where I'm at. 

I know God is good. And sovereign. And yet I see my mom suffer and in pain and I wonder why He allows it to continue.. Either He can heal her, or not, but if not, then why the pain?  Yes, I could talk about purpose and there still being a plan and reason for her being here which is nice and all, but in the face of suffering, that doesn't seem to cut it.

And that got me thinking about God's glory and how it is displayed in this situation. Maybe He's using all this to teach me something (which He undoubtedly is), yet it seems unfair to do so at the sake of another's sense of well-being. Maybe it's because she's an encouragement and joy to those around her because of what she represents. Maybe it's to shine God's glory through her to others.. And then sometimes I take a step back, and realize that maybe all these reasons and things are only a tiny bit of the bigger picture.

Isaiah 55:8-9 says,
"For My thoughts are not Your thoughts, nor are your ways y ways," declares the Lord. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts."

My thoughts are a tiny portion of the Lord's and so the best I can do in the midst of all my wonderings and wrestlings is look up to Him and trust Him. That He is good. That He is faithful. That He loves me, my mom and everyone around me. And to realize that even those realizations are only a tiny glimpse of what really is. There's so much I don't understand. 

So I will continue to grapple and wrestle and go deeper with God, discovering more of who He is and growing in intimacy with Him and sharing His life with others along the way.

Stay tuned for more grapplings. Thanks for the listening ear.