Stop, Shop, Sex

First of all, I figured putting a bit of scandal in my title would draw more curious readers. haha. tricked you. But I figure if I am going to be honest and transparent, I need to share the good and the bad, the beautiful and the ugly. So this is where I'm at.

This week I have been faced with a couple disappointments. They weren't huge, but they were unexpected and altered my plans and the things I had been anticipating were dashed in a way. And with an already heightened sense of emotion, they seemed bigger. I haven't felt this sense of disappointment in a long time and mixed with it has been anger, frustration, bitterness, hopelessness and some depression. Yes, a wide range of emotions. And so all day today I have been slightly grumpy and on edge and kind of feeling down. (Yet in the midst of this, I had a fantastic lunch date with my cousin-sister-friend and her adorable son who is my favourite cousin-nephew-friend and had fun playing with my niece this afternoon...) But through it all was this nagging deep down disappointment and sadness that I couldn't shake. 

This morning after my quiet time I was really encouraged and yet the moment disappointment struck, it's as though I completely forgot the things God had been speaking to my heart earlier on. Rather than turning to Him and pouring out my heart (thought about it but then went on to distract myself with something else), I trudged on in my misery, trying to fill it with other things. 

Tonight I went to pick up some milk. I hadn't had dinner yet. And since all day I have had an insatiable desire to devour everything in sight, I decided I would go pig out at KFC. I pulled over into the neighboring parking lot to eat my popcorn chicken and poutine (didn't even get through most of it in the end). My car was parked so it was facing a sex shop that is in a little strip mall. While I was sitting there stuffing my face with chicken, fries and gravy, I watched a few people go in and out of the shop. A couple of times, while watching people go in, my thoughts ranged from disgust to sadness. It seems to come down to a mix between seeking satisfaction and gratifying one's desires. In a place where only God can satisfy and meet these individuals, they were seeking after other things to fulfill those desires and fill that empty space in their lives (maybe some other motivations too but this was the main root reason I was pondering at the time).

As I sat there judging the people I didn't know, I was struck mid-bite. I was doing the exact same thing. Perhaps with different ramifications and end results, but with the same heart motivation. Not able to properly deal with my emotions for the day, I let them fester inside of me and spent the day restlessly going about trying to fill that spot within. And here I was, numbing pain and emotion with food, seeking some sort of satisfaction as I temporarily satisfied my appetite's lusts. So I stopped, threw the rest of my food into the garbage can and drove home, praying and bringing it all before the Lord.

I still have this sense of disappointment and a feeling of being overwhelmed that comes as a result, but I know I need to be intentional to enter God's rest. And to be completely honest with Him, sharing my disappointment and sadness and the overwhelming emotions. To cry before Him and let Him fill that empty space that sex, food, or anything else will fail to fill in the long run.

Moral of the story... next time you're driving to KFC (or the mall, or the gym, or to check your email, or to check facebook, or wherever else you might go or do), check your motives... (okay maybe there's more to it than that, but you can figure the rest out).