Bold, Beautiful, Best

Before I start this post, I want to give a shout-out to my friend Dara. If you enjoy reading about topics of hair, beauty and spirituality, go check out her blog: www.hairsprayandholywater.com And now onto my story about hair. :)

A lot of people make records of significant firsts in their lives. Today was a day I want to mark and remember as a potential "last". And if it doesn't turn out to be a last, that's okay, but I want to remember it just in case.

Today was possibly the last haircut I will get from my mom.

I thought this had happened early last year, but since she's been feeling better, she was able to cut my hair. My mom became a hairdresser as a teenager and would travel around town, going to people's homes to cut their hair. After her hairdressing days were over, she would always cut my hair.

Every time I asked my mom to cut my hair, she would tell me that she couldn't do a good job and I should just go elsewhere to get it cut because they know what they're doing and she's not up on the latest trends. I always tell her I love what she does (except for the first five minutes after every cut when I tell her it's too short), I trust her (except for the times she's burned my head with the straightener), and I feel able to tell her if I don't like it or need something changed. And she understands how cutting curly hair works.

Anyway, as she cut my hair today, I thought of all the times she has cut my hair in the past.  There was the time when she just started cutting, followed by a giggle and proclamation of "Oops, I didn't even ask you how short you wanted it. Hope you want it short!" Or there was today's announcement, "I hope you don't shriek when you see your hair in the mirror." Definite confidence boosters.

As she cut my hair today, it was a really special time that I wanted to cherish. First off because I get this time with her and that is a beautiful thing. And there is something special about having your mom cut your hair anyway. And as she cut it, she told me that this was perhaps the best haircut she's ever given me. And I concur.

After cutting it, she asked if I had any hair dye so we could dye it and I ran upstairs to grab my box of dye that was bought in an impulsively bold moment at the store. Red. And so we went with it. As she says every time she dyes my hair, I should have bought two boxes because it won't cover my hair.. but everytime my hair is mostly the same colour, so I think we're good. 

 

To conclude our day of hairdressing, I love it. It's bold. And beautiful. I told my mom that we both have bold hairstyles now. :) And now when I look in the mirror, I adjust to the shock of seeing my hair shorter and a vibrant colour, but it reminds me of life and the need to embrace life and to live life boldly and loudly, jumping in. Who knows? My hair could have turned orange (thankfully it didn't, although I was a bit worried when the dye was on my head!). 

 A quote I came across today about passion stood out to me:

"Passion gives us the courage to take risks in order to pursue what we believe gives life meaning." -Elizabeth Conde-Frazier

Now obviously dying my hair red isn't the biggest risk in the world, but it is the reminder to risk and live boldly, even when we don't know the outcome. It's the reminder that although love is one of the greatest risks ever, it is a think of beauty and transforms one's life, amidst the laughter, sadness, joy and pain. On days when I want to shut off and hide away, I am reminded that this is the way to go and I need to fully engage.

Take the risk and with it will come something of deep beauty and meaning. Something I'm discovering more and more each day.

So, live boldly. Risk boldly. Love boldly.

A Lament Surrounded by Hope

Lamentations is a book of the Bible that I have read before, skimming all the parts that aren't so pleasant and focusing in on the center of the book, which proclaims the greatness of God's faithfulness and makes me feel good after reading it. 

In my Old Testament class last week, we were looking at the book of Lamentations and as I slowly read through the entire book and saw the way it was structured, the middle part became so much more meaningful to me in light of what the author was feeling and experiencing. The depth of grief experienced brought new depth to the hope found in God.

The entire book consists of five poems (each chapter) and they are acrostics, all 22 verses, except for chapter 3, which has 66 verses. They include the 22 letters of the Hebrew alphabet and emphasize the author's purpose in lamenting from A to Z and covering everything that was being experienced. 

Judah had just experienced great loss and they were at a place of complete desolation and grief. I have no idea the depth of what they experienced, but the author's grief and lament resonated deeply with me. 

Most of the book is a lament, and yet right in the middle, there is this brilliant proclamation that starts with the word "but"... despite all of the things that have happened, there is reason for hope. While the future may be unclear and dismal, there is hope in the present, in today. The author proclaims it to the reader, but also turns to God, declaring "Great is Your faithfulness".

Lamentations 3:21-32

"But this I recall to my my mind, therefore I have hope.

The Lord's lovingkindnesses indeed never cease,

For His compassions never fail. They are new every morning;

Great is Your faithfulness. "The Lord is my portion," says my soul,

"Therefore I have hope in Him." 

The Lord is good to those who wait for Him, to the person who seeks Him. 

It is good that he waits silently for the salvation of the Lord.

It is good for a man that he should bear the yoke in his youth.

Let him sit alone and be silent since He has laid it on him.

Let him put his mouth in the dust, perhaps there is hope. 

Let him give his cheek to the smiter, let him be filled with reproach.

For the Lord will not reject forever, 

For if He causes grief, Then He will have compassion

According to His abundant lovingkindness^."

 As I read, I was deeply encouraged that the core of this book is hope. Not a hope that brushes off the pain or emotions that are being experienced, but rather a hope that enters into those dark places and abides there in the midst of the pain and grief. These verses are surrounded by a deep lament and yet despite not feeling this way, the writer claims these truths about who God is and ultimately, God's lovingkindness and faithfulness win. 

With the future unknown in this place of waiting and when I can't make sense of things, I will cling to the truth that God is faithful. Even when I don't feel it or understand how that applies to my current circumstance, I will claim it and allow it to permeate hope and life into every area of my life. This afternoon, I sat in the hot tub, marveling at the mountains and the eagles, singing loudly "Great is thy faithfulness." Even without the answers, this truth resonated a hope deep within that I will continue to cling to daily. 

Waiting Time is not Wasted Time...

Waiting time is not wasted time. 

Waiting time can feel like it's not productive at all. 

Waiting time is not always dull or boring.

Waiting time can be a time of chaos and disorder.

Waiting time can pass by slowly or quickly. 

But in the end, waiting time is not wasted time.

This statement has been one that has been mulling around in my head over the last couple of months. It was brought to life even more with advent this year. I have observed advent with different levels of understanding and engagement in past years, but this year I came to a deeper realization of the waiting and anticipation for Christmas, for Jesus. It represents a time of expectation with great lack of clarity at times.Yet within the waiting, there is great hope and life.

I feel like I'm stuck in a place of eternal waiting. And to be completely honest, over the last month or so, I had lost a lot of perspective and was fairly grumpy with a negative attitude. I let myself lose perspective of what I am doing and why I am doing it. 

But as I continue to discover, there is life in the waiting. 

There is joy. 

There is growth and transformation. 

There is laughter.

There is community built.

Yes, there's all the other stuff on the other end as well, like pain, tears, etc. but sometimes I focus in on that and forget that life is a balance between the two and that beauty is found in the intermingling of both. I probably sound like a broken record here as I recognize that this is a repeated theme, but I need to be reminded of it again and again and again and again and again. And because it's something I'm continually learning, I will post about it again and again and again and again. :)

So in the last month and a half instead of blogging, I have been decorating Christmas trees (eight of them in fact), hosting Christmas dinners on my mom's behalf, playing with children I love dearly, connecting with dear friends, stopping to enjoy nature and its beauty, and when I have felt discouraged and down, I have been making conscious choices to engage and choose life. Because in the end, life wins. So, here's a few of the things I have been doing to engage life in the waiting...

Wrapping lots of gifts.. and children too...

And the bottle being drunk is maple syrup.. just for the record.

Visiting with friends from afar and just having fun. 

 

Commissioning my friends to wrap gifts in incredible ways (the above gift is a whale in case you were wondering)

 

 Joining with hundreds of others for the polar bear plunge in the ocean on New Year's day.

Tying Christmas trees to the wall so they don't fall down....

Having photography dates with myself to capture the beauty all around me. 

 Going to the beach to watch the sunset

 Taking time for weekends away for rest and friendship and admiring God's creation.

 Taking time to celebrate my birth and life with wonderful friends!

Thanking God for the beautiful area in which I live.

Staying up late so I can wrap bows around my neck, wear zebra tuques and take multiple photos of myself.

Going on hikes in the pouring rain to see waterfalls

Playing with little people who make me laugh

Shifting my focus from being task-oriented (for example, decorating a Winnie the Pooh Christmas tree) to surrounding babies with all the tree ornaments in order to take photos.. and because it's funny. 

Decorating myself with Christmas lights instead of unplugging them and packing them away right away. 

Rather than focusing on the tasks, I'm trying to live in the moment. I like things to be orderly and planned out. Unfortunately that's not possible with life. Or with people. So I'm learning to embrace the chaos and messiness that life brings. It's a struggle but I'm encouraged by my own growth within it. 

So, all wrapped up in one post, 

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year! 

My waiting time will continue and is full of unknowns but I am reminded of the beauty of "Immanuel", "God with Us". I'm thankful I'm not alone on this journey, for the amazing, wonderful days, the mundane average days and the not-so great days. I'm intrigued to see what life will hold as this season continues but I'm up for the adventure.

Life, L'chaim, Leaning

 Life. 
We are alive. 
Yet at times dead inside. 
At times unable to fully live. 

One of my favourite passages in the Bible comes out of Deuteronomy. It reads as follows:

"I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, the blessing and the curse. So choose life in order that you may live, you and your descendants, by loving the Lord your God, by obeying His voice, and by holding fast to Him; for this is your life and the length of your days, that you may live in the land which the Lord swore to your fathers, to Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob, to give them." -Deuteronomy 30:19-20

Moses is at the end of his life and the Israelites have wandered in the desert for 40 years and they are about to enter the Promised Land. The choice is laid out before them very clearly. They can choose the blessing or the curse. Life or death. Living in the land or living in exile. God had promised them the land and His blessings and the land was rich and they would be prosperous and be in relationship with a God who had a deep desire to bless, love and multiply them.

Seems like a pretty easy, obvious decision. 

They chose life at first, but after awhile, they drifted and chose death. They saw something that seemed better in the moment, yet it was those things that would lead to their destruction.  

Sometimes I read about the Israelites and arrogantly scoff at how dumb they were to live their lives in such a way. And then I am radically humbled as I see in them such a clear reflection of myself and how so often I choose death over life. I often do it without thinking, because I want whatever is easier, whatever feels good and brings me pleasure and gratification in that moment. 

God calls us to choose life. 
To choose God. 
This isn't just any old life we're talking about. 
This is deep, abundant, rich life. 

I'm learning that part of choosing life involves embracing all of life, the good, the bad and the ugly. And yes I've talked about this before, but I will talk about it again. And likely again in the future. Embracing my own pain, accepting death, welcoming sadness... these are all included in a choice for life. Avoiding and running away will only create more problems and although they feel good in the moment, they are choices for destruction and death that will ruin me in the end. 

The prospect of choosing life is sometimes overwhelming when looking at the scope of life. I was recently challenged to ask myself the question:

What does choosing life look like in the next five minutes? 

Every decision I make within the next five minutes, as small as it might be, is a choice for life or death. 

For me today, that meant taking time to get ready and do my hair and makeup. It meant cleaning parts of the house that were in disarray. It meant enjoying writing letters to friends in the company of a friend. It meant enjoying time in the hot tub while stargazing (except the hot tub ended up being frigid, so the better choice for life in this case was to avoid the hot tub and make a puzzle instead). It meant taking a 20 minute nap. 

There's no set formula for what choosing life looks like. But, in the next five minutes, how is God inviting you to choose life? What does that look like in a tangible way right now?  

As I walk this journey with my mom, I am facing a lot of these questions frequently as I see her own strength fade. Yet lately, as there have been different improvement, I celebrate the ways in which life is evident within her. Today was the first day in months that we went on a non-medical outing and it was fantastic. We took silly pictures. We laughed and joked together. We marveled in awe at the beauty of the snow-covered mountains against the clear blue sky. 

We chose life. And it was wonderful. 

One of my favourite musicals, Fiddler on the Roof, has a song called 'L'chaim, To Life'! (Okay, I don't actually know if that's the real title, but those are the main words I sing really loudly as I dance around whenever this song comes to mind). I love singing this song, and shouting 'L'chaim'! from time to time, because it reminds me of this choice that is placed before me moment by moment. What will you choose?

To Life! To loving God, obeying God, and holding fast to Him. To life! 

How will you choose life in the next five minutes?
(I'm going to choose life by posting this and going to bed).

TO LIFE! L'CHAIM!

Pain, Presence, Perfected

Pain. It's an ugly word to many. It's something we try to avoid or fix or get rid of.  It is a topic I come back to often. Pain brings with it a lot of emotions that are quite messy and not so pretty. 

But the more I think about pain and observe it in my life, the more I start to like it and embrace it. Pain is a place where I meet God in the most beautiful, gentle, intimate way. Pain is a place where I can connect and weep with others. Pain is an experience where God's glory and character can shine. Pain is a place where God is present and where Jesus meets me. Would I wish away pain from my life? Even the most agonizing, difficult moments? Never. It is a beautiful thing and the better I become acquainted with pain, the more I desire to be in friendship with it and make the most of our relationship. 

Recently I asked the question, "Does a life of following God mean pain?" Some would suggest that to live is to experience pain. There are so many ways in which I could avoid or cover up my pain yet being in relationship with God requires me to face it. Sometimes I feel like God has created a space in my life for pain to come. 

Until I recognize the beauty and value of pain however, I will simply feel attacked by God. As I'm growing in this, I feel greatly blessed. That I can grow and be transformed. That I can meet God intimately. That the beauty and life that God creates out of my pain will be far greater than the pain ever could have been. 

I cannot allow myself to think that life consists solely of pain, although it is tempting in those moments where the hole of pain in one's insides feels bottomless. When I step back, there is so much beauty, blessing and richness to behold and celebrate that I begin to see how God is weaving my story together in a way that is far greater than my hurts and pains. I don't want to miss out on the story. 

So, the other day when I asked God if following Him meant pain, the answers I received included:

"Yes, I'm making it into something beautiful."

"Yes, and I am with you, Emmanuel."

"Yes and I am doing something beyond anything you could ever fathom"

"Yes and I will weep with you"

"Yes and I'm holding you tightly and carrying you."

"Yes and you can trust me." 

"Yes, but your life is not limited to pain-there is a depth of richness and beauty present therein"

So I will continue to grow in embracing pain and lean into God fully and completely, trusting that God is doing an incredible transformation in and through me, as God is glorified and His character revealed. He is making something beautiful.